The Orc Marching Song

It's the hard knock life for us

It's the hard knock life for us

Steada thanks we

just get hits

and sent to the 

sulphur pits

It's the hard knock life

Got no folks to tend our hurt

Cuz we grew out of the dirt

hooked swords instead of toys

'Least meat's back on the menu, boys, 

It's the hard knock life

But it's loud when the wargs are always howling,

Task masters threatening to cut our hide,

or threatening to drill us full of maggot holes

It's enough to make an orc just want to hide. 

In the dark, when the Ettenmoors get creepy

And you're jumped on the moment that you blink

When we die, not a single one gets weepy

It's enough to send an orc right to the brink. 

Evil laughing life

Find the halfling life

Smoke is wafting life

Again tomorrow life

Saruman we never see

But he bosses you and me

It's all bad judgement in

An uruk regiment

It's the hard knock life

-by Gwin of Mirkwood, who heard a snippet of this from a defiler named Muzz while really wasted one night and just kinda ran with it

Abdomens

 

Eru Ilúvatar, Arwen, look at that spider. It's so big, ugh. It looks like that thing that bit Frodo, but ugh, you know. Do we have a glass and piece of cardstock big enough to catch it? Those orcs only talk to it because it spits venom and sprays webs out of its butt, okay? I mean, look at the butt on it, it's just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like...OUT there. I mean, gross, look. It's just so...yellow. 

(Shelob face, Ungoliant booty

Shelob face, Ungoliant booty)

I like big abdomens and eight eyes 

You other creeps can't deny 

That when a spood crawls in 

With a small thorax 

And a round thing in your face 

You get sprung 

Got to pull up tough 

Cuz you know that freep is stuffed 

Deep in that web she's slinging 

And from the ceiling swinging 

Oh weavers, I gotta run with ya

And take that outpost 

My warlord tried to warn me

But that booty's like a pot roast 

Abdomens, smooth or spiked

You say you want to get in my raid?

You can kite me, kite me

Those mandibles can bite me

I've seen them trap door

Vanish into that floor

They're lean, mean

Got that venom glowing green

I'm sick of Tolkien's works

Saying spiders all are jerks

Ask the average uruk  in your kin

They're all about that abdomen

So maggots! (DIE!)  Maggots! (DIE!)

Is your weaver big and round?

AYE AYE!
So shake it! Shake it! 

Shake it all around!

Abdomens!

I like 'em round and yellow

And when I'm with my tribe

I'm acting like a warg

So here's my vibe

I wanna take you to Grams

And drill you, double drill,

drill you full of maggot holes

I ain't talking about norbogs

Because bug armor's made for goblins.

I like that bouncy backside

So gimme that bouncy bounce

I'm following that jounce

Put it in my face and flounce

I'm looking at wargs and orcs

as we're cutting right through that free mob

you can take all those creeps

I'll take my ladies like Shelob

A word to the eight legged spood,

I'm glad you're in my hood

Won't send you to the sulphur pits, but I gotta be straight

I want to raid till the break of dawn

Weavers got it going on
Lot of freeps won't like this song
Cause they see us and retreat 

And we'd rather stay and eat

Cause we're scary and hairy

You ain't dealing with the faeries

So Weavers! (HSSS!) Weavers (HSSSS!)

You wanna raid with a Reaver? (HELL YESSSS!)
So turn around, stick it out, 

Even Freepside's got to shout!

Abdomens!

Yeah, baby, when it comes to females? Silmarillion ain't got nothing to do with my selection. Two eyes and two legs? Hah. Only if she's four orcs. 

So your kinship's got some elf girls 

With pointed ears and soft curls

But elves ain't got badonk as they're running to Glan

My little man don't want none unless you got abdomen

Some creeps got tails or buttocks

But I like abdomens

Some uruks gotta play that hard role

And tell you that the bounce ain't gold

Or purple, black, or red

But I'll follow till I'm dead

So Tolkien says you're mean

But you are my darkness Queen

Your chitin's cool and your backside's smoking

And I'm thinking 'bout poking

The girls in Glan Vraig home

Got nothing on Cragstone

Eight legged sis,

I can't resist

I love your Tainted Kiss

Some hunter tried to wrangle

But he found himself entangled

He had aim, thought he outranked 'em, 

They took him down and drank him.

So Weavers, if you got that bounce

And you wanna find freeps and trounce

Send me and invitation

I'll join with excitation

Abdomens

Abdomens

Small thorax, round abdomen

Small thorax, round abdomen

-Gwin of Mirkwood, after way too much Elvish wine