The Orc Marching Song

It's the hard knock life for us

It's the hard knock life for us

Steada thanks we

just get hits

and sent to the 

sulphur pits

It's the hard knock life

Got no folks to tend our hurt

Cuz we grew out of the dirt

hooked swords instead of toys

'Least meat's back on the menu, boys, 

It's the hard knock life

But it's loud when the wargs are always howling,

Task masters threatening to cut our hide,

or threatening to drill us full of maggot holes

It's enough to make an orc just want to hide. 

In the dark, when the Ettenmoors get creepy

And you're jumped on the moment that you blink

When we die, not a single one gets weepy

It's enough to send an orc right to the brink. 

Evil laughing life

Find the halfling life

Smoke is wafting life

Again tomorrow life

Saruman we never see

But he bosses you and me

It's all bad judgement in

An uruk regiment

It's the hard knock life

-by Gwin of Mirkwood, who heard a snippet of this from a defiler named Muzz while really wasted one night and just kinda ran with it

Abdomens

 

Eru Ilúvatar, Arwen, look at that spider. It's so big, ugh. It looks like that thing that bit Frodo, but ugh, you know. Do we have a glass and piece of cardstock big enough to catch it? Those orcs only talk to it because it spits venom and sprays webs out of its butt, okay? I mean, look at the butt on it, it's just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like...OUT there. I mean, gross, look. It's just so...yellow. 

(Shelob face, Ungoliant booty

Shelob face, Ungoliant booty)

I like big abdomens and eight eyes 

You other creeps can't deny 

That when a spood crawls in 

With a small thorax 

And a round thing in your face 

You get sprung 

Got to pull up tough 

Cuz you know that freep is stuffed 

Deep in that web she's slinging 

And from the ceiling swinging 

Oh weavers, I gotta run with ya

And take that outpost 

My warlord tried to warn me

But that booty's like a pot roast 

Abdomens, smooth or spiked

You say you want to get in my raid?

You can kite me, kite me

Those mandibles can bite me

I've seen them trap door

Vanish into that floor

They're lean, mean

Got that venom glowing green

I'm sick of Tolkien's works

Saying spiders all are jerks

Ask the average uruk  in your kin

They're all about that abdomen

So maggots! (DIE!)  Maggots! (DIE!)

Is your weaver big and round?

AYE AYE!
So shake it! Shake it! 

Shake it all around!

Abdomens!

I like 'em round and yellow

And when I'm with my tribe

I'm acting like a warg

So here's my vibe

I wanna take you to Grams

And drill you, double drill,

drill you full of maggot holes

I ain't talking about norbogs

Because bug armor's made for goblins.

I like that bouncy backside

So gimme that bouncy bounce

I'm following that jounce

Put it in my face and flounce

I'm looking at wargs and orcs

as we're cutting right through that free mob

you can take all those creeps

I'll take my ladies like Shelob

A word to the eight legged spood,

I'm glad you're in my hood

Won't send you to the sulphur pits, but I gotta be straight

I want to raid till the break of dawn

Weavers got it going on
Lot of freeps won't like this song
Cause they see us and retreat 

And we'd rather stay and eat

Cause we're scary and hairy

You ain't dealing with the faeries

So Weavers! (HSSS!) Weavers (HSSSS!)

You wanna raid with a Reaver? (HELL YESSSS!)
So turn around, stick it out, 

Even Freepside's got to shout!

Abdomens!

Yeah, baby, when it comes to females? Silmarillion ain't got nothing to do with my selection. Two eyes and two legs? Hah. Only if she's four orcs. 

So your kinship's got some elf girls 

With pointed ears and soft curls

But elves ain't got badonk as they're running to Glan

My little man don't want none unless you got abdomen

Some creeps got tails or buttocks

But I like abdomens

Some uruks gotta play that hard role

And tell you that the bounce ain't gold

Or purple, black, or red

But I'll follow till I'm dead

So Tolkien says you're mean

But you are my darkness Queen

Your chitin's cool and your backside's smoking

And I'm thinking 'bout poking

The girls in Glan Vraig home

Got nothing on Cragstone

Eight legged sis,

I can't resist

I love your Tainted Kiss

Some hunter tried to wrangle

But he found himself entangled

He had aim, thought he outranked 'em, 

They took him down and drank him.

So Weavers, if you got that bounce

And you wanna find freeps and trounce

Send me and invitation

I'll join with excitation

Abdomens

Abdomens

Small thorax, round abdomen

Small thorax, round abdomen

-Gwin of Mirkwood, after way too much Elvish wine

Faithfully

Rivers run
into the western sun
Ships grow small and fade
you're on my mind

Restless hearts
sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love
Into the stars

We know that a war is no place to leave your heart bare
But lately all I feel is you and me
But lovin' a music man
isn't always what it's meant to be
Lady, you stand by me,
I'm forever yours,
faithfully

Ale and songs,
and friends around the fire
We all need to clown
and try to smile

Through space and time,
these prophecies come true
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

And being apart's not easy on this heart of mine
I see your face and fall in love again.
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Lady, you stand by me,
I'm forever yours,

Faithfully

-by Gwintheledh of Mirkwood

Nothing Else Matters

So close no matter how far
The boundless night will fill with stars
Remember this as darkness falls
And nothing else matters

Don your breastplate and your greaves
'gainst starless darkness from the East
Stand with song, with sword in hand
And nothing else matters

Trust in starlight, bright in view,
Trust your fellows, steadfast true
Trust most in the strength of you
And nothing else matters

Always watch for what they do
Always hear for what they know
And we know

So close no matter how far
The boundless night will fill with stars
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Always watch for what they do
Always hear for what they know
And we know

When the night is full of eyes
In our ears are whispered lies
Turn your face to the shining skies
And nothing else matters

Wipe away the tears we've cried
Square shoulders against the tide
Drive shadows back to hide
And nothing else matters

Always watch for what they do
Always hear for what they scheme
Always watch for what they do
Always hear for what they know
And we know

So close no matter how far
The boundless night will fill with stars
Remember this as darkness falls
And nothing else matters

-by Gwintheledh of Mirkwood

Wight Fighters

If the Barrow Downs
has got you down
Sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

If the worms and barghests
Make you frown
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

We fear not the ghosts
We fear not the ghosts

When the not-quite dead
Fills you with dread
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

Perpetual corpse
By the entrance, dead
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

We fear not the ghosts
We fear not the ghosts
Sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

If you're by yourself
And you're low on health
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

We fear not the ghosts
Shake off that fear
We fear not the ghosts
Athof, athof
sound that muster horn
Wight fighters

If you've had a close call
with deadly ghosts, all
you have to do is muster
Wight fighters

Wight fighters
Fighting wights is alright!

We fear not the ghosts
We fear not the ghosts
Don't get caught alone, oh no
Wight fighters

When you bust through that door,
and find crawling arms galore
And spiders by the score
Wight fighters

sound the muster horn
Wight fighters
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

I think you better sound
Wight fighters
sound the muster horn
Wight fighters

Louder!

Wight fighters

-by Gwintheledh of Mirkwood

Wolves of Middle Earth

I saw some wolves on the road to Archet

Better not get too near

Looking for some poor traveler to eat, I bet

And wash him down with a beer

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-hoo

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-ho

You hear them howling around near Weathertop

And on the road to the Forgotten Inn

Little hobbit got stabbed up there couple nights ago

Stay on the road, or just stay in.

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-hoo

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-ho

Bloody of claw and tooth

last seen in Ost Guruth

or down around the icy Redhorn Pass

Better give them the slip, 

They'll rip your lungs out, Pip

At best, a nasty bite right in the ass

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-hoo

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-ho

I saw Mangemaw prowling up at Blackwold's Roost

He's a wolf of Middle Earth

I saw lots of Mangemaw Juniors prowling up at Blackwold's Roost

They're wolves of Middle Earth

I saw a wolf drinking a beer in someone's meadhall

And the taxidermy was perfect.

  

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-hoo

Ah-hoo wolves of Middle Earth, Ah-ho

Alternate Verse:

They do the chickens harm

Out at Dora Brownlock's farm

They gather anywhere there is a ruin

The towns aren't even free, 

They breed them outside Bree

And everywhere you go in Ered Luin.

-by Gwintheledh of Mirkwood

Brawlers: Chapter 5

Emberwood tossed and turned. The sound of the rain pattering against her window usually lulled her right to sleep, but she had lain awake for hours thinking about the night she’d just had. Hearing the story of the epic fight at the Prancing Pony and meeting the two girls that had caused the whole thing; well, that was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her. Rhusty and Aubren were everything Emberwood wished she could be. Tough and independent, those two could do and say anything they wanted. I bet they don’t even have to do chores or mind their little sisters, she thought. And Rhusty had said they were friends now! Friends! They thought she was brave like them!

The rain outside gradually stopped, and a warm breeze pushed the last of the clouds across the now starry sky. Emberwood was lost in thought when she heard a distant rooster crow and realized it was nearly dawn. She suddenly had a plan. She knew her father would only keep the girls in their cell for one night, despite the brawl they had instigated the night before. As soon as they dried out, the Shirrif would give them a stern talking to and turn them out into the morning light. Emberwood thought that if she went to Bree when Rhusty and Aubren were released she could probably find them – maybe even talk to them again!

Suddenly she was filled with doubt. After all, the girls had been pretty drunk last night. Maybe they wouldn’t even remember her. Nervous now, she dressed quickly and made her way to the barn where her speckled pony, Broomstraw, waited for her. The morning was absolutely sparkling from the night’s rain, and as they crossed the Brandywine Bridge, Emberwood felt sure her new friends would remember her.

 

Emberwood found Rhusty and Aubren sitting together at the Boar Fountain heartily eating meat pies for breakfast. They were both laughing and gesturing wildly.  She caught bits and pieces of their lively conversation as she shyly approached.

  “...fookin minstrel plonker didn’t know what hit him...”

  “...bet that dainty bastard regrets grabbing your arm...”

  “...can’t fight for shit..”

Rhusty’s green eyes lit up when she saw Emberwood. “Emberwood Hayward! Come sit with us!” Rhusty gestured to the space next to her. Emberwood’s heart was pounding as she climbed up between them. Rhusty tore off a hunk of her pie and offered it to her. She noticed that every knuckle on Rhusty’s pale fingers was scraped and bruised. There was dried blood on her chin. Emberwood knew in that moment that she’d never meet a more amazing person in her life.

“So your da’ says we gotta clean up the Pony today.” Rhusty said, rolling her eyes.   “His exact words were 'complete disaster and a disgraceful waste of mead', so I reckon it’s gonna take awhile.”

“Worth it.” mumbled Aubren around a mouthful of pie crust.

Emberwood’s heart sank at this news. She didn’t want this glorious morning to end. Rhusty continued,” Whatcha doin tonight? Me and Aubren are going to the Forsaken Inn for supper since we’re pretty sure we won’t be welcome at the Pony anytime soon. You in?”

The Forsaken Inn! Emberwood had never been there in her life! Her eyes were wide as she breathlessly stammered, “I’m in.”

“Brilliant!” exclaimed Rhusty, as she and Aubren stood and brushed crumbs from their now disheveled and bloodstained dresses. “Meet us by the West Gate at sunset.”

 

Emberwood hurried excitedly back home to rush through her chores and get ready for the big night. It didn’t take long for her to realize that if her father found out who she was hanging around with and where they were going he’d probably skin her alive and throw her in a cell. She was going to have to disguise herself somehow. She suddenly remembered she had won a bear head mask at the Harvestmath Festival last year that would be perfect. She found it in the back of her wardrobe and pulled it over her head. She adjusted the mask around her eyes and turned to look in the glass. As she gazed at herself she thought, I’m going to have such adventures!

-By Pam